WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO NOT GIVE UP?

For a while I did not know what I should be writing about. Well okay, that is not true. It’s more that there were only two things I could write about: My fear and my broken heart. For a while, I was only able to really feel fear and pain. It’s hard to write about those emotions – especially if writing about them feels like giving them even more power. But I’ve reached a point now where it stopped being a choice and became a necessity.

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Suicide

It hurts. Nothing even feels remotely right. The only thing that remains are the questions you can’t answer. Why did you do it? What did I miss? How could I’ve prevented it? Could I’ve changed it?

And the one question of course that always crawls out of the dark: Why did I not see it coming?

The answer is as simple as it is cruel: Because there was nothing to be done. But knowing that doesn’t mean that you’ll ever be able to accept it. The only thing that will fade with time is the hurt and if you’re strong, the self-reproaches. The pain will dim down with time but never truly leave you. Weiterlesen

Turning off

I can’t get past it. Can’t snap out of it. There is too much and too less at the same time. The only way to deal with it is to disappear. I just don’t really know where to.

Sometimes pain has more than one cause. Multiple ones indeed summing up until you reach the point of no return. Sometimes it grows until you can’t remember anything past it. It just grows and gets more each day until it becomes too big to conceal. I just can’t pretend that I am okay anymore. Because I am not, haven’t been in a while now. Weiterlesen