For a while I did not know what I should be writing about. Well okay, that is not true. It’s more that there were only two things I could write about: My fear and my broken heart. For a while, I was only able to really feel fear and pain. It’s hard to write about those emotions – especially if writing about them feels like giving them even more power. But I’ve reached a point now where it stopped being a choice and became a necessity.


Vicious love

I said “no” when everything inside me screamed “yes”. And I lost you because I followed reason. I didn’t trust you. Fear got the better of me. And so I let you walk away.

Six years later and I’m still stuck on that moment. So much it has begun to haunt my dreams. All the stories I make up – they are about you. It’s always you.

Though I never talk about you and haven’t heard from you since that day – you are in my mind every day. Every night and every time I forget to catch myself.

Six years before I began to mention your name again. And still – what is there to talk about? There is nothing I can do except move on. That’s what I’m telling myself every single day.

I know that it’s my own fault that this memory still haunts me. It destroyed everything. And believe me, I tried. But it’s you – still you – always you. Every time.

So, can I really go back? After all this time and all the efforts I made to get past you? Those questions are irrelevant.

The truth is I barley manage to live without you. There is nothing left for me to try but this. Because for me it is and has always been you.


I did it again. Though I should really know better by now. But where you are concerned I’m simply unfit to plead.

So what did I do? I went away and still thought about you every minute. Nothing there reminded me of you and still everything did. It’s like a curse that my mind seems to always find ways to associate random stuff with you.

After one day of denial I just gave in and did something for you. At this point it doesn’t even matter if you suspect something because really, you telling me to back off would be a fucking relief.

You liked it but said nothing else. But that’s just the same as you liking me. I know you do. Problem is: I fancy you. Like mad. And I simply can’t do anything about it.

Fancy heartbreak?

What can you do if nothing changes? Nothing really helps. I am still so damn stuck on you. And I know it’s stupid and unhealthy. But my mind can’t convince my heart to just let go.

Everything could be so much easier if you weren’t so damn likeable. But you are – so fucking nice and sweet. And I like you. Even without all the attraction. So much I almost believe I could be your friend.

But friends do not fancy each other and I really, really do. It doesn’t matter that I know you don’t think of me that way. Because I do. Really, really do think about you that way. I think you are my punishment for being such a coward before. Weiterlesen

Missed (IV)

*You think it’s going to change?*

I stare at the screen, thinking about an answer. Telling her the truth? No, I guess that’s not an option. Answering with a fraction of the truth? I don’t see how I have any other chance.


Great answer that should really distract her!
Shut up conscience! No one wants your opinion anyway.
That’s part of why you are in this mess right now!
I’m not going to comment on that! Oh holy crap I guess I really am nuts. Now I’m not only talking to myself but I’m also arguing with my inner sanity. Or in other words: I am crazy. Weiterlesen

Missed (III)

„Oh god, she’s leaving us!“
He is smiling at me, eyes sparkling.
Oh please don’t do this.
I force myself to return the smile. “Oh no, what shall we do?”
“We’ll have to talk now!”
I look down into my cereal.
Damn, why do you have to be so damn cute all of a sudden? Can’t you just go and torment someone else?
Still kidding yourself I see.
Shut up conscience! Weiterlesen

Missed (II)

„All men are pigs!“
“Well no, actually I am.“
He looks at me. “How so?“
“I could have had the sweetest, nicest and best guy of all. But I messed up & now he’s got a girlfriend.“
I sigh.
“What did you do?“
He frowns. “So why…“
“No“, I interrupt, “that’s precisely the problem. I didn’t do anything.“
“But that doesn’t make you a pig then.“
“No, it makes me stupid.“
I empty my coffee cup and get up.
He doesn’t add anything. Didn’t think he would.
So I just leave the kitchen and go back to my computer.
Sometimes I imagine his eyes on my back. But then again he does probably look at me from time to time. Just like he walks over for a chat.
It’s because he doesn’t know. The guy I was talking about – the sweet, drop dead gorgeous guy?
That’s him.