What do you do if nothing makes sense anymore? Everyone seems to have opinions and expectations on what your life should be and how you should feel, but they are not your own. What if you forgot what made you happy and so everything just makes you a little more miserable every day?
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Right now, is not a good time to have an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, right now is also one of the rare times that being afraid is justified. It’s almost impossible to escape news about new infections, deaths or the continued spread of COVID-19. On the other hand, as always, being afraid is not really helpful.
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For a while I did not know what I should be writing about. Well okay, that is not true. It’s more that there were only two things I could write about: My fear and my broken heart. For a while, I was only able to really feel fear and pain. It’s hard to write about those emotions – especially if writing about them feels like giving them even more power. But I’ve reached a point now where it stopped being a choice and became a necessity.
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I wrote so many texts about being different, but I never seem to get it right. Today, „be different“ is a marketing slogan for all of those who don’t want to be different at all. Just stand out a tiny little bit, never really and never too much, because if you are too different you become just weird and nobody wants to be weird. Except me. Weiterlesen
Bubbly. That’s how I feel when I am happy. Like there are a million different little colorful, shiny bubbles bouncing around in my mind. Making me hop, and hum, and smile, and dance, and everything a little less scary. It’s been a very long time since I felt those bubbles – now they are everywhere. Weiterlesen
Sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with my mind. One second all I feel are little bubbles of happiness and the next my mind has me convinced I am running towards an endless dark abyss that is threatening to swallow me whole. My mind is a liar, I know but that still doesn’t stop me from worrying until my stomach is in knots. Weiterlesen
Crazy is a pretty relative term, isn’t it? There are things that I see as completely crazy while everyone else seems to think they are perfectly normal. Like being completely content in existing within marked-out parameters, never questioning anything about why they are there in the first place. Weiterlesen
How are you? For me that is the hardest question ever. The honest answer to it will make the person who asked uncomfortable. Because I am not okay. Not really. And I have not been for quite some time. This text is the answer I am usually too afraid to say. Weiterlesen
I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay. Someday it will all be okay. One day I will be like them and find a way to grow into someone I can like. Someone that someone else might like. The problem is that words are so easy but oh so empty if you don’t really believe them, and I really don’t. Weiterlesen
What if all you are is never enough? There is all you could have, if you could just be someone different. Someone smarter. Someone tougher. Someone braver. Someone with more discipline. Someone smaller. Someone thinner. Someone who matters. Because all I feel doesn’t matter, not to anyone but me. Weiterlesen
