ENGLISH

When I started this blog I wrote exclusively in German – which makes sense, since I am German and it’s my mothertongue. The problem with writing in German is that all my fellow Germans can read it (duh, I know), and that includes my close friends, social media friends (you those people you once knew in kindergarden) and my family. And they started to question my texts or interpret them and after a while, it was too much.

One of the regular themes of my blog is mental health and for some reason, talking about depression and anxiety is a lot easier if you do it with complete strangers rather than close friends or family members. I don’t know why exactly, it’s just how I feel about it. Maybe it’s because people close to you try to make sense of what you are going through by comparing it with what they think they know about you. Like my aunt saying: „But you were always such a happy child.“ I wasn’t, not always. But I saw my aunt maybe five times a year and so when I did, I was happy to see her. Or I was putting up a happy front. Pretending is something you learn very early on, if you are battling depression.

So, to cut a long story short: After a while I started writing texts exclusively in English so the people close to me wouldn’t be able to read it (the average German speaks English pretty poorly), but now, that feels wrong. How can I be as honest as I want to be, if I keep hiding behind a language? That’s why I decided to go back to writing in German, but of course I will keep the English texts. They are part of this journey. So here is a collection of the texts I wrote in English – or both, English and German.

 

LEARNING TO FLY

I wrote so many texts about being different, but I never seem to get it right. Today, „be different“ is a marketing slogan for all of those who don’t want to be different at all. Just stand out a tiny little bit, never really and never too much, because if you are too different you become just weird and nobody wants to be weird. Except me. (mehr …)

BUBBLES

Bubbly. That’s how I feel when I am happy. Like there are a million different little colorful, shiny bubbles bouncing around in my mind. Making me hop, and hum, and smile, and dance, and everything a little less scary. It’s been a very long time since I felt those bubbles – now they are everywhere. (mehr …)

GOING CRAZY

crazy, cloud castle, risk, change, dreamCrazy is a pretty relative term, isn’t it? There are things that I see as completely crazy while everyone else seems to think they are perfectly normal. Like being completely content in existing within marked-out parameters, never questioning anything about why they are there in the first place. (mehr …)

Sense8 – A LOVE LETTER TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS

Who am I? And if so, how many? That’s actually the title of a book from David Richard Precht, a German philosopher. But it is also a really fitting description for Sense8 because it does sum up the main question of a TV series that completely turns everything, we learned about individuality upside down.

(mehr …)
Almost lovers

ALMOST MORE THAN FRIENDS

Nearly there is not good enough. This applies to chances you missed, words you left unspoken or actions you failed to take. But still, even long after all is said and done that stupid question keeps creeping back into your consciousness, no matter hard you try to ignore: What if?

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HUNG UP ON YOU

Sometimes you do things, despite knowing that they are…well not wrong but with a low chance of ending positively. But still you do them and I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because of some secret need to torture yourself or is it because you hope for a small miracle? I don’t know which one it is, but I just did something that has a high probability of not working out. (mehr …)

spirit, shadow, fading, girl, horror,

EASY LIES YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF

You don’t know me. And if you did, you wouldn’t want to. Because I’m not someone people like. I’m the one they talk about once I’m away. I’m the bad example, the pathetic one. The one that everybody just leaves behind. That’s all the voice inside my head keeps telling me. And that voice makes […]

Schweden. Eine Liebeserklärung / Sweden. A declaration of love

Reisen ist die Sehnsucht nach dem Leben, heißt es so schön. Vielleicht stimmt das sogar – wenn man damit die Sehnsucht nach einem Leben meint, das nicht das eigene ist. Die Suche nach dem Leben, das man lieber leben würde als das, das man gerade lebt. In meinem Fall ist wohl keine Wanderlust, sondern die […]

WIE MAN UNGLÜCKLICH GLÜCKLICH WIRD / HOW TO GET HAPPY BY BEING UNHAPPY

Mein ganzes Leben lang muss ich schon mein Leben ändern. Irgendwann kam der Punkt, an dem mir auffiel, dass ich mich grundlegend von dem unterscheide, was unsere Gesellschaft uns beibringt. Ich sehe nicht aus wie die Models auf den Werbeplakaten, ich bin nicht erfolgreich, schlagfertig, reich – einfach nicht gut genug für diese Welt. Und […]

THE FRIEND TALE

Friends are so easy to find these days. You just have to search a little and soon you’ll have hundreds of them all just a click away. All a cluster of pixels on that bright screen in front of your face. Letters that you feel connected to, for a little while at least…until they become nothing more than pixel-dust again.

(mehr …)
Herz, Liebeskummer, Zeichnung, Kunst

ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW…

…is you. And despite the bad poetry and cheesiness implied, it’s actually true: All I want in my life is you. This doesn’t mean one person in particular but many. The good people that make everything better. That make life worth living. So since this is a new year, that’s what I want for it: More of you. (mehr …)

moon, pixel, light

DEAFENING SILENCE

Silence is always an answer even if we refuse to hear it. Sometimes not saying anything speaks volumes – louder than any shouted word. And sometimes silence hides all that you don’t dare to speak. Until if feels like your silence is choking you.

(mehr …)

Phantom Pain

Everyone has their own dragons to slay, their own mountains to climb and their own pits to crawl out of. Sometimes you can offer your hand to help them but mostly all you can do is watch and wait. And sometimes that feels even more painful than getting hurt yourself.

(mehr …)

MADE UP ILLUSION

Sometimes you try so hard to read between invisible lines, you fail to realize that those lines don’t even exist. You get caught up in a web of lines that weren’t there to begin with until it feels like all this lines are choking you. It could all be so easy, but you had to start thinking about it, didn’t you?

(mehr …)

SHY LADY

Shyness is a very effective way of blocking even your best ideas. In some cases it’s not only hindering, but paralyzing – painful even. It keeps you from being the person you want to be. Or at least that’s how she likes to see the world.

(mehr …)

SINA DIARIES #3 – SOMEBODY SAVE ME


All my life I had wished I could be one of those people who always seemed to know the right thing to say in any given situation. Someone who was quick-witted and funny in a good way, making people laugh with them, instead of at them. Because that was what seemed to be my greatest talent: Screwing up in any situation that required wit or just plain common sense.

(mehr …)
Beanie, Girl, Art, Drawing

SINA DIARIES #2 – TRYING TO FIGURE OUT DISASTER


There is always another day. That’s what I used to believe once. I used to live accordingly. Believing there would always be another day to pursue your dreams. That I would always have time. And then, three years ago, this believe proofed to be the biggest lie of my existence.
Sometimes there isn’t another day. Sometimes you had no time to be brave later but live with your cowardice instead. And sometimes everything you didn’t say, hurt more than all the things you said.

(mehr …)
Sad Girl, woman, painting, hoodie, drawing, art

SINA DIARIES #1 – JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE…

There are many signs which tell you that you might need to change your life. Some might be subtle enough to ignore them but others have a very obvious way of presenting themselves. Like hiding from the rest of the party in a bathroom on the second floor, puking your heart out into the toilet. That was a very straight forward kind of sign.

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DIFFICULTIES

You can be whoever you want to – as long as you keep in line. Of course you can dream big, but be realistic as well. There are no barriers as long as you remember to follow the rules. And what about freedom? That has never been anything but an illusion.

(mehr …)

NOTHING IS REAL – UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE

I don’t like reality any more. Everything here is difficult and limited and somehow impossible to achieve. Real people are most likely a disappointment and real feelings just always hurt you in the end. Reality is cruel and harsh and somehow it seems like no one here is speaking my language.

(mehr …)

MY SO-CALLED LIFE: YOU’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST LOVE

There are some truths that you’ll need to face at some point in your life, one of the main ones being: You will never forget your first love. Not just your first partner, but also the first book that made you fall in love with stories, the first movie that you’ve watched a million times now and, well the first TV show you were obsessed with. In my case, that is MY SO-CALLED LIFE.

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MAYBE IS A LONELY PLACE

The queen of Maybe rules the kingdom of make-believe and pretends to not see it slowly falling apart. Make-believe consists of all the things that might happen. That could maybe come true. That would maybe save the queen from reality. When truly everything in make-believe is just something that helps the queen to survive another day.

The queen of Maybe sits on a throne of almost broken dreams. It’s a glassy throne full of cracks miraculously still standing somehow. Maybe it is a miracle. For hundred years the queen sat on that throne and watched the cracks grow a little deeper, still feeding on the hope that maybe it all isn’t as bad as it looks. She watched all the possibilities that might unfold and clung to the huge maybe inside of it all.

Who will love you?

Once upon a time the queen of Maybe was more than a statue frozen in time. She once had wanted so much more. But reality offered no maybes just the hard and cold facts of do or die. Reality told her that her dreams were silly little bubbles all destined to burst. That she needed to get down to earth and start making real decisions instead of wanting to chase clouds all the time. But the queen, she just wanted to fly.

Who will fight?

So the queen of Flying Dreams became what she is now. Maybe offers the comfort of possibly preventing a failure. Maybe it will all play out. But of course maybe it won’t. So instead of flying the queen tied herself down on a throne of glass, pretending to go along with the rest of reality. But she never stopped watching the skies. She never really gave up on those dreams. She still wants to be so much more than just a maybe but at the same time she is too afraid to move.

And who will fall far behind?

Sometimes the queen thinks she can see him, hidden somewhere in the clouds – the king of Beyond. A kingdom where dreams are more than just a maybe and hearts are still allowed to fly. Maybe he exists. Maybe he is waiting. But the queen will never know if she keeps holding on to the pieces of a shattered life all just held together by the fragile thought of maybe.

THE SOLILOQUIES OF A HOPELESS HEART

What if. The question that will kill you. Torment you. Refuse to let you sleep. Once you asked “what if” you will always wonder “what if” and every worst or best case will get stuck in your head.

(mehr …)

AFTER ALL THIS TIME…

There once was a boy. A boy that had everything. A boy that stole your heart with only one of his barley-there-smiles and never gave it back. The kind of boy every other boy wanted to be friends with and every girl secretly wanted to kiss – even if it was just once. The kind of boy everyone just KNEW was meant for great things. But sadly, they were all wrong.

(mehr …)

AN EVER-CHANGING PIECE OF CAKE

Some people say that nothing ever changes, but that’s not true. The truth is that everything changes – constantly, every second of every day. Your life changes with every breath you take and every step you either take or decide not to take. Change is the only thing that never changes, and even that might not be true.

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ALONE DOES NOT EQUAL LONELY

Last week I read in a magazine about the benefits of being single. You know stuff like “You don’t have to deal with stupid nicknames or smelly breath in the morning”. My first thought was: Oh my god, are you fucking serious? I think she was.

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THE IMPOSSIBLE QUEST FOR THE STARS

There is a little balloon flying straight towards the stars. It kind of knows that it won’t ever reach the stars, because that’s just an impossible thing to do but it figures it got nothing to lose so it just flies right on.

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