ENGLISH

When I started this blog I wrote exclusively in German – which makes sense, since I am German and it’s my mothertongue. The problem with writing in German is that all my fellow Germans can read it (duh, I know), and that includes my close friends, social media friends (you those people you once knew in kindergarden) and my family. And they started to question my texts or interpret them and after a while, it was too much.

One of the regular themes of my blog is mental health and for some reason, talking about depression and anxiety is a lot easier if you do it with complete strangers rather than close friends or family members. I don’t know why exactly, it’s just how I feel about it. Maybe it’s because people close to you try to make sense of what you are going through by comparing it with what they think they know about you. Like my aunt saying: „But you were always such a happy child.“ I wasn’t, not always. But I saw my aunt maybe five times a year and so when I did, I was happy to see her. Or I was putting up a happy front. Pretending is something you learn very early on, if you are battling depression.

So, to cut a long story short: After a while I started writing texts exclusively in English so the people close to me wouldn’t be able to read it (the average German speaks English pretty poorly), but now, that feels wrong. How can I be as honest as I want to be, if I keep hiding behind a language? That’s why I decided to go back to writing in German, but of course I will keep the English texts. They are part of this journey. So here is a collection of the texts I wrote in English – or both, English and German.

 

STAR WARS: RANKING ALL 11 MOVIES FROM WORST TO BEST

On May 25th 1977 the first Star Wars movie ever – Episode IV: A New Hope – was released in America. To honour and celebrate this milestone, I made a personal ranking of all Star Wars movie that have been released so far. This is a first one for me, so please be kind.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO NOT GIVE UP?

For a while I did not know what I should be writing about. Well okay, that is not true. It’s more that there were only two things I could write about: My fear and my broken heart. For a while, I was only able to really feel fear and pain. It’s hard to write about […]

ANXIETY: NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE AFRAID

Right now, is not a good time to have an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, right now is also one of the rare times that being afraid is justified. It’s almost impossible to escape news about new infections, deaths or the continued spread of COVID-19. On the other hand, as always, being afraid is not really helpful.

COUNTING MISFORTUNES

Complaining does not work as a strategy. I read that quote a few days ago – somewhere on Instagram I guess – and it stayed with me. Because I don’t know about you, but does it feel like everyone is constantly complaining about something. No matter the topic or the occasion, there is always something […]

RISKS WORTH TAKING

Change is scary, it really is. It’s not so much about changing your life, but the little things that keep us from growing – or in my case, healing. It’s about realizing that your mind is a liar sometimes. That some of the things we clung to our whole life are complete and utter bullshit. […]

LEARNING TO FLY

I wrote so many texts about being different, but I never seem to get it right. Today, „be different“ is a marketing slogan for all of those who don’t want to be different at all. Just stand out a tiny little bit, never really and never too much, because if you are too different you become just weird and nobody wants to be weird. Except me. (mehr …)

BUBBLES

Bubbly. That’s how I feel when I am happy. Like there are a million different little colorful, shiny bubbles bouncing around in my mind. Making me hop, and hum, and smile, and dance, and everything a little less scary. It’s been a very long time since I felt those bubbles – now they are everywhere. (mehr …)

CRAWLING

Sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with my mind. One second all I feel are little bubbles of happiness and the next my mind has me convinced I am running towards an endless dark abyss that is threatening to swallow me whole. My mind is a liar, I know but that still doesn’t […]

GOING CRAZY

crazy, cloud castle, risk, change, dreamCrazy is a pretty relative term, isn’t it? There are things that I see as completely crazy while everyone else seems to think they are perfectly normal. Like being completely content in existing within marked-out parameters, never questioning anything about why they are there in the first place. (mehr …)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay. Someday it will all be okay. One day I will be like them and find a way to grow into someone I can like. Someone that someone else might like. The problem is that words are so easy but oh so empty if you don’t […]

Sense8 – A LOVE LETTER TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS

Who am I? And if so, how many? That’s actually the title of a book from David Richard Precht, a German philosopher. But it is also a really fitting description for Sense8 because it does sum up the main question of a TV series that completely turns everything, we learned about individuality upside down.

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Almost lovers

ALMOST MORE THAN FRIENDS

Nearly there is not good enough. This applies to chances you missed, words you left unspoken or actions you failed to take. But still, even long after all is said and done that stupid question keeps creeping back into your consciousness, no matter hard you try to ignore: What if?

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ANXIETY: NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE AFRAID

Right now, is not a good time to have an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, right now is also one of the rare times that being afraid is justified. It’s almost impossible to escape news about new infections, deaths or the continued spread of COVID-19. On the other hand, as always, being afraid is not really helpful.

BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE – EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU

What if all you are is never enough? There is all you could have, if you could just be someone different. Someone smarter. Someone tougher. Someone braver. Someone with more discipline. Someone smaller. Someone thinner. Someone who matters. Because all I feel doesn’t matter, not to anyone but me.

SOMETHING TO PRETEND

Talking isn’t worth much, if no one listens. It’s like writing stories that no one ever reads. Like drawing pictures no one ever sees. Like being forgotten before you even existed. But it’s so easy they say. So easy to change.

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE

Loneliness is painful. More than that it is devastating. You don’t have to be alone to be lonely, but I thought sharing an experience with strangers might feel less lonely. It doesn’t. I think there is nothing lonelier than standing in the middle of a partying crowd, alone. But I did it anyway to see […]

UNCHANGED

Life is complicated. Life is messy. And more often than not, it is also utterly frustrating. Because life always goes on. No matter how much you mess up, no matter how much the past haunts and no matter how much you regret everything you didn’t do. Until it doesn’t. And then it is too late […]

friend, lost, shadow, sunset,

THE STORY OF 2 FRIENDS DRIFTING APART

Do you sometimes dream of someone who isn’t in your life anymore as if they still were? I do. Not daily, but consistently. And then I wake up missing them. Wondering what went wrong, and it breaks my heart a little every time.

HUNG UP ON YOU

Sometimes you do things, despite knowing that they are…well not wrong but with a low chance of ending positively. But still you do them and I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because of some secret need to torture yourself or is it because you hope for a small miracle? I don’t know which one it is, but I just did something that has a high probability of not working out. (mehr …)

cat, jewelry, funny,

DEAR CRAZY CAT LADY,

In my head, I have already written you a whole book, telling you in a very passive-aggressive way how much I really don’t miss you. And another one in which I tell you, how much I do miss you. How much I wish everything could be different and we could still be friends. But that’s […]

anxiety, fear, alone, shattered, abandoned

ANXIETY

I am terrified of everything that might happen. And anything that I might do. Even though I know I would never consciously try to harm myself. Not physically anyway. And I know I have never been allergic to anything and I am probably the worlds’ most cautious driver. Still, I am terrified.

spirit, shadow, fading, girl, horror,

EASY LIES YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF

You don’t know me. And if you did, you wouldn’t want to. Because I’m not someone people like. I’m the one they talk about once I’m away. I’m the bad example, the pathetic one. The one that everybody just leaves behind. That’s all the voice inside my head keeps telling me. And that voice makes […]

WHY YOU NEED TO WATCH THIRTEEN REASONS WHY

A lot of times, a movie adaption cannot do the book justice. But the new Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why is one of the rare exceptions: It’s just as brilliant – and devastating – as the book it is based on was.

iZombie – BEING UNDEAD IS HARD WORK

So I kind of started watching iZombie. After pretty much running out of series to watch on Netflix I decided to give it a try. You know, just one episode to see if it really was as bad as I suspected…except it actually is surprisingly good.

ALMOST LOVER

It could have been the wrong time. You were not ready yet. Or it could have been the circumstances – there was too much distance and too much things going on. Or it could have been a whole bunch of other things. But the truth is: It just wasn’t meant to be.

TRAPPED IN THE WRONG LIFE

If you ever feel like you are trapped in the wrong story you need to leave. That’s such an easy saying but such a hard thing to do. Because it’s so much easier to be trapped in misery than trying to escape. Who knows what monsters are waiting for you on the other side?

Monaco, Monte Carlo, ocean, city, sea, shore

ROADTRIP TO MONACO

When you are on a work trip to Monaco (yes, really – most unfortunately too) and are trapped in a car for 8 hours (16 in total), what do you do? You make the most of it by taking pictures of the stunning landscape and the breathtakingly beautiful mountains of Switzerland and Italy. So here […]

OUT OF TIME

I miss you. Everything about you. I miss your laugh and our silly little jokes. I miss how you made everything a little brighter, made the world look a little less scary and almost made me believe in the impossible again. I know this doesn’t change anything but I do miss you. I miss you […]

drawing, kidayna, crying, purple hair, rainbow, girl

MYSELF

The hardest part is to accept the fact that you are not the one they wanted. At least not the you that you are but some other version. Someone lighter, darker, stronger, weaker – just a different version of the person that you are right now.

THE FEAR OF BEING AN ARTIST

Drawing a picture is like revealing a piece of your soul. No matter how far away the image you create is from yourself, not matter how insignificant – it always bears your personal touch, your imagination, your creativity…a piece of your soul. At least that is how Cathy always felt about it.

IS IT REALLY IMPORTANT?

Everyone has something that is very important to them. Maybe it’s money, maybe success or maybe love. But what if it really is not important at all? What if it’s just an idea someone else put in your consciousness a long time ago.

FLYING HIGH

The cruellest lies aren’t the ones that other people tell us – it’s the ones we tell ourselves. They are the ones we desperately cling to, the ones we protect against any truth, and they are the ones that will destroy us in the end.

A HERMIT’S CONFESSION

The beauty of being alone is that there is never any doubt. It might get lonely, sometimes too lonely to bear – but loneliness is a comforting partner. It always holds your hand, always walks by your side and always welcomes you right back into its cold embrace. Loneliness can be a shadow looming over […]

Schweden. Eine Liebeserklärung / Sweden. A declaration of love

Reisen ist die Sehnsucht nach dem Leben, heißt es so schön. Vielleicht stimmt das sogar – wenn man damit die Sehnsucht nach einem Leben meint, das nicht das eigene ist. Die Suche nach dem Leben, das man lieber leben würde als das, das man gerade lebt. In meinem Fall ist wohl keine Wanderlust, sondern die […]

AN DER GRENZE / ON THE EDGE

Veronika gehört zu den Menschen, die sich nie irren. Selbst wenn sie sich mal irrt, hat sie dennoch immer Recht. In ihrer Welt gibt es nur eine richtige Wahrnehmung und das ist ihre eigene. Dadurch hat man als Außenstehender nur zwei Möglichkeiten: Entweder bist du für Veronika – oder gegen sie. >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION […]

DIE KATZE UND DER PLAN / THE CAT WITH A PLAN

Die Katze hatte einen Plan – dieses ständige frühe Aufstehen des Menschen musste aufhören. Jeden Morgen dieser Lärm, verschlossene Türen und dann war der Mensch nicht mal da um die Katze gebührend zu verehren. Nein, beschloss die Katze, das musste aufhören, sofort.  >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN

STOLPERFALLE / TRIPPING HAZARD

Nicht stolpern. Nicht nach unten schauen. Auf dem Drahtseil des Lebens entlang balancieren und immer nur nach vorne schauen. Es muss besser werden. Es muss weitergehen. Es darf nicht schiefgehen. >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN

WIE MAN UNGLÜCKLICH GLÜCKLICH WIRD / HOW TO GET HAPPY BY BEING UNHAPPY

Mein ganzes Leben lang muss ich schon mein Leben ändern. Irgendwann kam der Punkt, an dem mir auffiel, dass ich mich grundlegend von dem unterscheide, was unsere Gesellschaft uns beibringt. Ich sehe nicht aus wie die Models auf den Werbeplakaten, ich bin nicht erfolgreich, schlagfertig, reich – einfach nicht gut genug für diese Welt. Und […]

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

Do you know who you really are? Are you truly yourself or are you hiding behind a mask? Masks are what we were taught to wear all our lives. When we were little they told us to behave, to adjust, to fall in line. So we learned to hide parts of our true self behind […]

SUNRAY

It’s easy to convince yourself that it’s fine the way it is. Not really that good but not too bad either. After all it could be so much worse than fine. But easy becomes impossible when you truly start to care. Because the second you care, you have something to lose.

EIN MEER DES SCHWEIGENS / AN OCEAN OF SILENCE

Wir waren mal Freunde. Oder zumindest sowas wie Freunde. Freunde die miteinander sprachen und die etwas verband. Ich bin nicht mehr sicher, was uns verbunden hat, aber es war da. Irgendwann. Alles was davon übrig blieb, ist ein Meer des Schweigens. >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN!

THE FRIEND TALE

Friends are so easy to find these days. You just have to search a little and soon you’ll have hundreds of them all just a click away. All a cluster of pixels on that bright screen in front of your face. Letters that you feel connected to, for a little while at least…until they become nothing more than pixel-dust again.

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ZUKUNFTS-NOMADIN / FUTURE NOMAD

Das Leben sollte einfacher sein, dachte sie sich, schmiss ihren Job, packte ihre Sachen und buchte den ersten Flug den sie sich leisten konnte. Weg von hier. Weg in ein anderes Land mit einer anderen Sprache. Weg in ein anderes, brandneues Leben. >>>FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN

Herz, Liebeskummer, Zeichnung, Kunst

ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW…

…is you. And despite the bad poetry and cheesiness implied, it’s actually true: All I want in my life is you. This doesn’t mean one person in particular but many. The good people that make everything better. That make life worth living. So since this is a new year, that’s what I want for it: More of you. (mehr …)

moon, pixel, light

DEAFENING SILENCE

Silence is always an answer even if we refuse to hear it. Sometimes not saying anything speaks volumes – louder than any shouted word. And sometimes silence hides all that you don’t dare to speak. Until if feels like your silence is choking you.

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Phantom Pain

Everyone has their own dragons to slay, their own mountains to climb and their own pits to crawl out of. Sometimes you can offer your hand to help them but mostly all you can do is watch and wait. And sometimes that feels even more painful than getting hurt yourself.

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MADE UP ILLUSION

Sometimes you try so hard to read between invisible lines, you fail to realize that those lines don’t even exist. You get caught up in a web of lines that weren’t there to begin with until it feels like all this lines are choking you. It could all be so easy, but you had to start thinking about it, didn’t you?

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SHY LADY

Shyness is a very effective way of blocking even your best ideas. In some cases it’s not only hindering, but paralyzing – painful even. It keeps you from being the person you want to be. Or at least that’s how she likes to see the world.

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SINA DIARIES #3 – SOMEBODY SAVE ME


All my life I had wished I could be one of those people who always seemed to know the right thing to say in any given situation. Someone who was quick-witted and funny in a good way, making people laugh with them, instead of at them. Because that was what seemed to be my greatest talent: Screwing up in any situation that required wit or just plain common sense.

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Beanie, Girl, Art, Drawing

SINA DIARIES #2 – TRYING TO FIGURE OUT DISASTER


There is always another day. That’s what I used to believe once. I used to live accordingly. Believing there would always be another day to pursue your dreams. That I would always have time. And then, three years ago, this believe proofed to be the biggest lie of my existence.
Sometimes there isn’t another day. Sometimes you had no time to be brave later but live with your cowardice instead. And sometimes everything you didn’t say, hurt more than all the things you said.

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Sad Girl, woman, painting, hoodie, drawing, art

SINA DIARIES #1 – JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE…

There are many signs which tell you that you might need to change your life. Some might be subtle enough to ignore them but others have a very obvious way of presenting themselves. Like hiding from the rest of the party in a bathroom on the second floor, puking your heart out into the toilet. That was a very straight forward kind of sign.

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DIFFICULTIES

You can be whoever you want to – as long as you keep in line. Of course you can dream big, but be realistic as well. There are no barriers as long as you remember to follow the rules. And what about freedom? That has never been anything but an illusion.

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NOTHING IS REAL – UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE

I don’t like reality any more. Everything here is difficult and limited and somehow impossible to achieve. Real people are most likely a disappointment and real feelings just always hurt you in the end. Reality is cruel and harsh and somehow it seems like no one here is speaking my language.

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MY SO-CALLED LIFE: YOU’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST LOVE

There are some truths that you’ll need to face at some point in your life, one of the main ones being: You will never forget your first love. Not just your first partner, but also the first book that made you fall in love with stories, the first movie that you’ve watched a million times now and, well the first TV show you were obsessed with. In my case, that is MY SO-CALLED LIFE.

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MAYBE IS A LONELY PLACE

The queen of Maybe rules the kingdom of make-believe and pretends to not see it slowly falling apart. Make-believe consists of all the things that might happen. That could maybe come true. That would maybe save the queen from reality. When truly everything in make-believe is just something that helps the queen to survive another day.

The queen of Maybe sits on a throne of almost broken dreams. It’s a glassy throne full of cracks miraculously still standing somehow. Maybe it is a miracle. For hundred years the queen sat on that throne and watched the cracks grow a little deeper, still feeding on the hope that maybe it all isn’t as bad as it looks. She watched all the possibilities that might unfold and clung to the huge maybe inside of it all.

Who will love you?

Once upon a time the queen of Maybe was more than a statue frozen in time. She once had wanted so much more. But reality offered no maybes just the hard and cold facts of do or die. Reality told her that her dreams were silly little bubbles all destined to burst. That she needed to get down to earth and start making real decisions instead of wanting to chase clouds all the time. But the queen, she just wanted to fly.

Who will fight?

So the queen of Flying Dreams became what she is now. Maybe offers the comfort of possibly preventing a failure. Maybe it will all play out. But of course maybe it won’t. So instead of flying the queen tied herself down on a throne of glass, pretending to go along with the rest of reality. But she never stopped watching the skies. She never really gave up on those dreams. She still wants to be so much more than just a maybe but at the same time she is too afraid to move.

And who will fall far behind?

Sometimes the queen thinks she can see him, hidden somewhere in the clouds – the king of Beyond. A kingdom where dreams are more than just a maybe and hearts are still allowed to fly. Maybe he exists. Maybe he is waiting. But the queen will never know if she keeps holding on to the pieces of a shattered life all just held together by the fragile thought of maybe.

THE SOLILOQUIES OF A HOPELESS HEART

What if. The question that will kill you. Torment you. Refuse to let you sleep. Once you asked “what if” you will always wonder “what if” and every worst or best case will get stuck in your head.

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AFTER ALL THIS TIME…

There once was a boy. A boy that had everything. A boy that stole your heart with only one of his barley-there-smiles and never gave it back. The kind of boy every other boy wanted to be friends with and every girl secretly wanted to kiss – even if it was just once. The kind of boy everyone just KNEW was meant for great things. But sadly, they were all wrong.

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AN EVER-CHANGING PIECE OF CAKE

Some people say that nothing ever changes, but that’s not true. The truth is that everything changes – constantly, every second of every day. Your life changes with every breath you take and every step you either take or decide not to take. Change is the only thing that never changes, and even that might not be true.

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ALONE DOES NOT EQUAL LONELY

Last week I read in a magazine about the benefits of being single. You know stuff like “You don’t have to deal with stupid nicknames or smelly breath in the morning”. My first thought was: Oh my god, are you fucking serious? I think she was.

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THE IMPOSSIBLE QUEST FOR THE STARS

There is a little balloon flying straight towards the stars. It kind of knows that it won’t ever reach the stars, because that’s just an impossible thing to do but it figures it got nothing to lose so it just flies right on.

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