ENGLISH

When I started this blog I wrote exclusively in German – which makes sense, since I am German and it’s my mothertongue. The problem with writing in German is that all my fellow Germans can read it (duh, I know), and that includes my close friends, social media friends (you those people you once knew in kindergarden) and my family. And they started to question my texts or interpret them and after a while, it was too much.

One of the regular themes of my blog is mental health and for some reason, talking about depression and anxiety is a lot easier if you do it with complete strangers rather than close friends or family members. I don’t know why exactly, it’s just how I feel about it. Maybe it’s because people close to you try to make sense of what you are going through by comparing it with what they think they know about you. Like my aunt saying: „But you were always such a happy child.“ I wasn’t, not always. But I saw my aunt maybe five times a year and so when I did, I was happy to see her. Or I was putting up a happy front. Pretending is something you learn very early on, if you are battling depression.

So, to cut a long story short: After a while I started writing texts exclusively in English so the people close to me wouldn’t be able to read it (the average German speaks English pretty poorly), but now, that feels wrong. How can I be as honest as I want to be, if I keep hiding behind a language? That’s why I decided to go back to writing in German, but of course I will keep the English texts. They are part of this journey. So here is a collection of the texts I wrote in English – or both, English and German.

 
spirit, shadow, fading, girl, horror,

EASY LIES YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF

You don’t know me. And if you did, you wouldn’t want to. Because I’m not someone people like. I’m the one they talk about once I’m away. I’m the bad example, the pathetic one. The one that everybody just leaves behind. That’s all the voice inside my head keeps telling me. And that voice makes […]

Schweden. Eine Liebeserklärung / Sweden. A declaration of love

Reisen ist die Sehnsucht nach dem Leben, heißt es so schön. Vielleicht stimmt das sogar – wenn man damit die Sehnsucht nach einem Leben meint, das nicht das eigene ist. Die Suche nach dem Leben, das man lieber leben würde als das, das man gerade lebt. In meinem Fall ist wohl keine Wanderlust, sondern die […]

WIE MAN UNGLÜCKLICH GLÜCKLICH WIRD / HOW TO GET HAPPY BY BEING UNHAPPY

Mein ganzes Leben lang muss ich schon mein Leben ändern. Irgendwann kam der Punkt, an dem mir auffiel, dass ich mich grundlegend von dem unterscheide, was unsere Gesellschaft uns beibringt. Ich sehe nicht aus wie die Models auf den Werbeplakaten, ich bin nicht erfolgreich, schlagfertig, reich – einfach nicht gut genug für diese Welt. Und […]

Beanie, Girl, Art, Drawing

SINA DIARIES #2 – TRYING TO FIGURE OUT DISASTER

There is always another day. That’s what I used to believe once. I used to live accordingly. Believing there would always be another day to pursue your dreams. That I would always have time. And then, three years ago, this believe proofed to be the biggest lie of my existence.Sometimes there isn’t another day. Sometimes […]

Sad Girl, woman, painting, hoodie, drawing, art

SINA DIARIES #1 – JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE…

There are many signs which tell you that you might need to change your life. Some might be subtle enough to ignore them but others have a very obvious way of presenting themselves. Like hiding from the rest of the party in a bathroom on the second floor, puking your heart out into the toilet. […]

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