ENGLISH

When I started this blog I wrote exclusively in German – which makes sense, since I am German and it’s my mothertongue. The problem with writing in German is that all my fellow Germans can read it (duh, I know), and that includes my close friends, social media friends (you those people you once knew in kindergarden) and my family. And they started to question my texts or interpret them and after a while, it was too much.

One of the regular themes of my blog is mental health and for some reason, talking about depression and anxiety is a lot easier if you do it with complete strangers rather than close friends or family members. I don’t know why exactly, it’s just how I feel about it. Maybe it’s because people close to you try to make sense of what you are going through by comparing it with what they think they know about you. Like my aunt saying: „But you were always such a happy child.“ I wasn’t, not always. But I saw my aunt maybe five times a year and so when I did, I was happy to see her. Or I was putting up a happy front. Pretending is something you learn very early on, if you are battling depression.

So, to cut a long story short: After a while I started writing texts exclusively in English so the people close to me wouldn’t be able to read it (the average German speaks English pretty poorly), but now, that feels wrong. How can I be as honest as I want to be, if I keep hiding behind a language? That’s why I decided to go back to writing in German, but of course I will keep the English texts. They are part of this journey. So here is a collection of the texts I wrote in English – or both, English and German.

 

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO NOT GIVE UP?

For a while I did not know what I should be writing about. Well okay, that is not true. It’s more that there were only two things I could write about: My fear and my broken heart. For a while, I was only able to really feel fear and pain. It’s hard to write about […]

ANXIETY: NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE AFRAID

Right now, is not a good time to have an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, right now is also one of the rare times that being afraid is justified. It’s almost impossible to escape news about new infections, deaths or the continued spread of COVID-19. On the other hand, as always, being afraid is not really helpful.

COUNTING MISFORTUNES

Complaining does not work as a strategy. I read that quote a few days ago – somewhere on Instagram I guess – and it stayed with me. Because I don’t know about you, but does it feel like everyone is constantly complaining about something. No matter the topic or the occasion, there is always something […]

RISKS WORTH TAKING

Change is scary, it really is. It’s not so much about changing your life, but the little things that keep us from growing – or in my case, healing. It’s about realizing that your mind is a liar sometimes. That some of the things we clung to our whole life are complete and utter bullshit. […]

LEARNING TO FLY

I wrote so many texts about being different, but I never seem to get it right. Today, „be different“ is a marketing slogan for all of those who don’t want to be different at all. Just stand out a tiny little bit, never really and never too much, because if you are too different you […]

BUBBLES

Bubbly. That’s how I feel when I am happy. Like there are a million different little colorful, shiny bubbles bouncing around in my mind. Making me hop, and hum, and smile, and dance, and everything a little less scary. It’s been a very long time since I felt those bubbles – now they are everywhere.

CRAWLING

Sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with my mind. One second all I feel are little bubbles of happiness and the next my mind has me convinced I am running towards an endless dark abyss that is threatening to swallow me whole. My mind is a liar, I know but that still doesn’t […]

GOING CRAZY

Crazy is a pretty relative term, isn’t it? There are things that I see as completely crazy while everyone else seems to think they are perfectly normal. Like being completely content in existing within marked-out parameters, never questioning anything about why they are there in the first place.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay. Someday it will all be okay. One day I will be like them and find a way to grow into someone I can like. Someone that someone else might like. The problem is that words are so easy but oh so empty if you don’t […]

Almost lovers

ALMOST MORE THAN FRIENDS

Nearly there is not good enough. This applies to chances you missed, words you left unspoken or actions you failed to take. But still, even long after all is said and done that stupid question keeps creeping back into your consciousness, no matter hard you try to ignore: What if?

ANXIETY: NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE AFRAID

Right now, is not a good time to have an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, right now is also one of the rare times that being afraid is justified. It’s almost impossible to escape news about new infections, deaths or the continued spread of COVID-19. On the other hand, as always, being afraid is not really helpful.

SOMETHING TO PRETEND

Talking isn’t worth much, if no one listens. It’s like writing stories that no one ever reads. Like drawing pictures no one ever sees. Like being forgotten before you even existed. But it’s so easy they say. So easy to change.

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE

Loneliness is painful. More than that it is devastating. You don’t have to be alone to be lonely, but I thought sharing an experience with strangers might feel less lonely. It doesn’t. I think there is nothing lonelier than standing in the middle of a partying crowd, alone. But I did it anyway to see […]

UNCHANGED

Life is complicated. Life is messy. And more often than not, it is also utterly frustrating. Because life always goes on. No matter how much you mess up, no matter how much the past haunts and no matter how much you regret everything you didn’t do. Until it doesn’t. And then it is too late […]

HUNG UP ON YOU

Sometimes you do things, despite knowing that they are…well not wrong but with a low chance of ending positively. But still you do them and I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because of some secret need to torture yourself or is it because you hope for a small miracle? I don’t know which […]

cat, jewelry, funny,

DEAR CRAZY CAT LADY,

In my head, I have already written you a whole book, telling you in a very passive-aggressive way how much I really don’t miss you. And another one in which I tell you, how much I do miss you. How much I wish everything could be different and we could still be friends. But that’s […]

anxiety, fear, alone, shattered, abandoned

ANXIETY

I am terrified of everything that might happen. And anything that I might do. Even though I know I would never consciously try to harm myself. Not physically anyway. And I know I have never been allergic to anything and I am probably the worlds’ most cautious driver. Still, I am terrified.

spirit, shadow, fading, girl, horror,

EASY LIES YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF

You don’t know me. And if you did, you wouldn’t want to. Because I’m not someone people like. I’m the one they talk about once I’m away. I’m the bad example, the pathetic one. The one that everybody just leaves behind. That’s all the voice inside my head keeps telling me. And that voice makes […]

ALMOST LOVER

It could have been the wrong time. You were not ready yet. Or it could have been the circumstances – there was too much distance and too much things going on. Or it could have been a whole bunch of other things. But the truth is: It just wasn’t meant to be.

TRAPPED IN THE WRONG LIFE

If you ever feel like you are trapped in the wrong story you need to leave. That’s such an easy saying but such a hard thing to do. Because it’s so much easier to be trapped in misery than trying to escape. Who knows what monsters are waiting for you on the other side?

Monaco, Monte Carlo, ocean, city, sea, shore

ROADTRIP TO MONACO

When you are on a work trip to Monaco (yes, really – most unfortunately too) and are trapped in a car for 8 hours (16 in total), what do you do? You make the most of it by taking pictures of the stunning landscape and the breathtakingly beautiful mountains of Switzerland and Italy. So here […]

OUT OF TIME

I miss you. Everything about you. I miss your laugh and our silly little jokes. I miss how you made everything a little brighter, made the world look a little less scary and almost made me believe in the impossible again. I know this doesn’t change anything but I do miss you. I miss you […]

drawing, kidayna, crying, purple hair, rainbow, girl

MYSELF

The hardest part is to accept the fact that you are not the one they wanted. At least not the you that you are but some other version. Someone lighter, darker, stronger, weaker – just a different version of the person that you are right now.

THE FEAR OF BEING AN ARTIST

Drawing a picture is like revealing a piece of your soul. No matter how far away the image you create is from yourself, not matter how insignificant – it always bears your personal touch, your imagination, your creativity…a piece of your soul. At least that is how Cathy always felt about it.

IS IT REALLY IMPORTANT?

Everyone has something that is very important to them. Maybe it’s money, maybe success or maybe love. But what if it really is not important at all? What if it’s just an idea someone else put in your consciousness a long time ago.

FLYING HIGH

The cruellest lies aren’t the ones that other people tell us – it’s the ones we tell ourselves. They are the ones we desperately cling to, the ones we protect against any truth, and they are the ones that will destroy us in the end.

A HERMIT’S CONFESSION

The beauty of being alone is that there is never any doubt. It might get lonely, sometimes too lonely to bear – but loneliness is a comforting partner. It always holds your hand, always walks by your side and always welcomes you right back into its cold embrace. Loneliness can be a shadow looming over […]

AN DER GRENZE / ON THE EDGE

Veronika gehört zu den Menschen, die sich nie irren. Selbst wenn sie sich mal irrt, hat sie dennoch immer Recht. In ihrer Welt gibt es nur eine richtige Wahrnehmung und das ist ihre eigene. Dadurch hat man als Außenstehender nur zwei Möglichkeiten: Entweder bist du für Veronika – oder gegen sie. >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION […]

DIE KATZE UND DER PLAN / THE CAT WITH A PLAN

Die Katze hatte einen Plan – dieses ständige frühe Aufstehen des Menschen musste aufhören. Jeden Morgen dieser Lärm, verschlossene Türen und dann war der Mensch nicht mal da um die Katze gebührend zu verehren. Nein, beschloss die Katze, das musste aufhören, sofort.  >>> FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN

WIE MAN UNGLÜCKLICH GLÜCKLICH WIRD / HOW TO GET HAPPY BY BEING UNHAPPY

Mein ganzes Leben lang muss ich schon mein Leben ändern. Irgendwann kam der Punkt, an dem mir auffiel, dass ich mich grundlegend von dem unterscheide, was unsere Gesellschaft uns beibringt. Ich sehe nicht aus wie die Models auf den Werbeplakaten, ich bin nicht erfolgreich, schlagfertig, reich – einfach nicht gut genug für diese Welt. Und […]

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

Do you know who you really are? Are you truly yourself or are you hiding behind a mask? Masks are what we were taught to wear all our lives. When we were little they told us to behave, to adjust, to fall in line. So we learned to hide parts of our true self behind […]

SUNRAY

It’s easy to convince yourself that it’s fine the way it is. Not really that good but not too bad either. After all it could be so much worse than fine. But easy becomes impossible when you truly start to care. Because the second you care, you have something to lose.

THE FRIEND TALE

Friends are so easy to find these days. You just have to search a little and soon you’ll have hundreds of them all just a click away. All a cluster of pixels on that bright screen in front of your face. Letters that you feel connected to, for a little while at least…until they become […]

ZUKUNFTS-NOMADIN / FUTURE NOMAD

Das Leben sollte einfacher sein, dachte sie sich, schmiss ihren Job, packte ihre Sachen und buchte den ersten Flug den sie sich leisten konnte. Weg von hier. Weg in ein anderes Land mit einer anderen Sprache. Weg in ein anderes, brandneues Leben. >>>FOR ENGLISH VERSION SCROLL DOWN

Herz, Liebeskummer, Zeichnung, Kunst

ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW…

…is you. And despite the bad poetry and cheesiness implied, it’s actually true: All I want in my life is you. This doesn’t mean one person in particular but many. The good people that make everything better. That make life worth living. So since this is a new year, that’s what I want for it: […]

moon, pixel, light

DEAFENING SILENCE

Silence is always an answer even if we refuse to hear it. Sometimes not saying anything speaks volumes – louder than any shouted word. And sometimes silence hides all that you don’t dare to speak. Until if feels like your silence is choking you.

Phantom Pain

Everyone has their own dragons to slay, their own mountains to climb and their own pits to crawl out of. Sometimes you can offer your hand to help them but mostly all you can do is watch and wait. And sometimes that feels even more painful than getting hurt yourself.

MADE UP ILLUSION

Sometimes you try so hard to read between invisible lines, you fail to realize that those lines don’t even exist. You get caught up in a web of lines that weren’t there to begin with until it feels like all this lines are choking you. It could all be so easy, but you had to […]

SHY LADY

Shyness is a very effective way of blocking even your best ideas. In some cases it’s not only hindering, but paralyzing – painful even. It keeps you from being the person you want to be. Or at least that’s how she likes to see the world.

SINA DIARIES #3 – SOMEBODY SAVE ME

All my life I had wished I could be one of those people who always seemed to know the right thing to say in any given situation. Someone who was quick-witted and funny in a good way, making people laugh with them, instead of at them. Because that was what seemed to be my greatest […]

Beanie, Girl, Art, Drawing

SINA DIARIES #2 – TRYING TO FIGURE OUT DISASTER

There is always another day. That’s what I used to believe once. I used to live accordingly. Believing there would always be another day to pursue your dreams. That I would always have time. And then, three years ago, this believe proofed to be the biggest lie of my existence.Sometimes there isn’t another day. Sometimes […]

DIFFICULTIES

You can be whoever you want to – as long as you keep in line. Of course you can dream big, but be realistic as well. There are no barriers as long as you remember to follow the rules. And what about freedom? That has never been anything but an illusion.

MAYBE IS A LONELY PLACE

The queen of Maybe rules the kingdom of make-believe and pretends to not see it slowly falling apart. Make-believe consists of all the things that might happen. That could maybe come true. That would maybe save the queen from reality. When truly everything in make-believe is just something that helps the queen to survive another […]

AFTER ALL THIS TIME…

There once was a boy. A boy that had everything. A boy that stole your heart with only one of his barley-there-smiles and never gave it back. The kind of boy every other boy wanted to be friends with and every girl secretly wanted to kiss – even if it was just once. The kind […]

AN EVER-CHANGING PIECE OF CAKE

Some people say that nothing ever changes, but that’s not true. The truth is that everything changes – constantly, every second of every day. Your life changes with every breath you take and every step you either take or decide not to take. Change is the only thing that never changes, and even that might […]

ALONE DOES NOT EQUAL LONELY

Last week I read in a magazine about the benefits of being single. You know stuff like “You don’t have to deal with stupid nicknames or smelly breath in the morning”. My first thought was: Oh my god, are you fucking serious? I think she was.

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