Sometimes I wonder what the heck is wrong with my mind. One second all I feel are little bubbles of happiness and the next my mind has me convinced I am running towards an endless dark abyss that is threatening to swallow me whole. My mind is a liar, I know but that still doesn’t stop me from worrying until my stomach is in knots.
See what happened is this: I did something that made me ridiculously happy. Something I had wanted to do for a very long time. I dyed my hair into various shades of bright pink. And it made me so happy all I felt were little bouncy bubbles dancing around in my mind. Now, not even two days later the bubbles have not only disappeared but been replaced with icy spikes that keep stabbing any happy thought.
CRAWLING IN MY SKIN
It’s like my mind is trying to punish me for being happy – even if it was only for a second. I know of course it’s not about punishment, it’s about fear. When you feel like you are sitting of the bottom of an endless black abyss it might hurt but at least that pain is familiar. Climbing up means eventually stepping out to face the unknown. This of course is nothing but an illusion. There is no bottom just as there is no peak to be reached. You can only spend your life falling or climbing – with the best scenario being that you climb more than you fall.
THIS WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL
I know that. And I know that it’s not just about the pink hair. It’s about changing, about changes that seemed impossible just a week ago. See I met someone (and I really hope he never reads this). Someone that makes me feel bubbly. And happy. And light. And even a little hopeless. And that scares the shit out of me. Because I never even met him in real life and I don’t have the best track record with men. But somehow part of me doesn’t care. Sometimes it’s worth the risk – it has to be, doesn’t it? At least once.
FEAR IS ALL I FEEL
My mind feels different though. It reminds me of all the times I fucked up in the past and about all the mistakes I already made and really – who am I anyway to assume someone might actually like me. Yes. That’s my mind for you. That’s what anxiety feels like. And yes, it’s almost physically painful to write any of this down. But I still feel like it needs to be said. It needs to be out. Even if it is only to show my mind how cruel it really is.
CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL…
Because there is another truth here as well. One where it doesn’t matter how crazy it sounds if it makes you happy. One where for the first time in a very long time I like someone enough to consider crazy. One where he makes me feel just as bubbly as the bright pink of my hair. And even if it turns out to be nothing but an illusion. Somehow, it’s still going to be okay. Life is not about hiding away in the darkness, even if it sometimes feels easier to. My mind is a liar after all.