English Gesundheit

I REALLY AM NOT OKAY

How are you? For me that is the hardest question ever. The honest answer to it will make the person who asked uncomfortable. Because I am not okay. Not really. And I have not been for quite some time. This text is the answer I am usually too afraid to say.

I am terrified that I will truly never find that special someone to share my life with. At 35 years, the chances are getting slimmer and I don’t have a very good track record when it comes to relationships. I have been alone for quite some time now and it doesn’t really look like something is going to change in that aspect. It looks like I will be alone for the rest of my life and it absolutely terrifies me. I’m really tired of being alone.

I don’t really like myself – and that is putting it mildly. It’s not a healthy way to live, trust me I am aware. But I don’t see a way to change it. Someone asked me recently if I could say what it is that I dislike about myself and I asked how much time he had. Because honestly, I could fill a book with all the things I don’t like about myself. The way I look, the way I talk, the way I overthink everything, the way I know I’m hurting myself and can’t stop, the way I act around other people, the way I feel…it’s endless really. And it hurts, more than I could ever put into words.

I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing with my life. Yes, I have a pretty cool job. Yes, it allows me to see and do some pretty cool stuff. But it’s just a job. There is none of my heart and soul in it. Problem is, what I truly want to do, I seem to be unable to – writing. Not just blog posts, but stories. Real literature. All the stories I have been writing in my head since I was about ten years old. Problem is, I just can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but whenever the story reaches a certain point, I can’t take it any further. And because of my job I have less and less time to write anything anyway. Just writing this makes me really sad.

So, there you have it: I am tired. I am hurting. I am sad. That’s what I mean when I say I am not okay. It’s the uncomfortable truth no one wants to hear. Instead of saying it when somebody asked me: “How are you”, I used to shrug and mumble something like: “Okay” or “Fine”. Until one day it became evident that I really was not okay. So the truth is, I am not okay. But now I started working on it – all the issues I listed above. I finally asked for help. It is terrifying and slow, but it’s what it takes if I ever want to feel at least somewhat okay one day.

Kommentar verfassen

%d Bloggern gefällt das: