DEAR DIARY, I’M NOT OKAY

Not okay, shattered, pieces, depression, alone, mindHow are you? For me that is the hardest question ever. The honest answer to it will make the person who asked uncomfortable. Because I am not okay. Not really. And I have not been for quite some time. This text is the answer I am usually too afraid to say.

I am terrified that I will truly never find that special someone to share my life with. At 35 years, the chances are getting slimmer and I don’t have a very good track record when it comes to relationships. I have been alone for quite some time now and it doesn’t really look like something is going to change in that aspect. It looks like I will be alone for the rest of my life and it absolutely terrifies me. I’m really tired of being alone.

I don’t really like myself – and that is putting it mildly. It’s not a healthy way to live, trust me I am aware. But I don’t see a way to change it. Someone asked me recently if I could say what it is that I dislike about myself and I asked how much time he had. Because honestly, I could fill a book with all the things I don’t like about myself. The way I look, the way I talk, the way I overthink everything, the way I know I’m hurting myself and can’t stop, the way I act around other people, the way I feel…it’s endless really. And it hurts, more than I could ever put into words.

I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing with my life. Yes, I have a pretty cool job. Yes, it allows me to see and do some pretty cool stuff. But it’s just a job. There is none of my heart and soul in it. Problem is, what I truly want to do, I seem to be unable to – writing. Not just blog posts, but stories. Real literature. All the stories I have been writing in my head since I was about ten years old. Problem is, I just can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but whenever the story reaches a certain point, I can’t take it any further. And because of my job I have less and less time to write anything anyway. Just writing this makes me really sad.

So, there you have it: I am tired. I am hurting. I am sad. That’s what I mean when I say I am not okay. It’s the uncomfortable truth no one wants to hear. Instead of saying it when somebody asked me: “How are you”, I used to shrug and mumble something like: “Okay” or “Fine”. Until one day it became evident that I really was not okay. So the truth is, I am not okay. But now I started working on it – all the issues I listed above. I finally asked for help. It is terrifying and slow, but it’s what it takes if I ever want to feel at least somewhat okay one day.

 

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