Sometimes you do things, despite knowing that they are…well not wrong but with a low chance of ending positively. But still you do them and I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because of some secret need to torture yourself or is it because you hope for a small miracle? I don’t know which one it is, but I just did something that has a high probability of not working out.
The thing about loneliness is this: It makes you desperate – sometimes a little bit and sometimes a whole lot more. So, what happens when you get desperate? You are prone to do things that are not really all that smart. Like writing online with someone who lives in another country that is about two flight hours away. Like flirting with said someone. Someone who is so far out of reach it really is not a very smart idea to begin with. But for some reason, you seem to be unable to help yourself.
Jumping laughingly into a chainsaw – that’s what we call it in Germany, when you do something despite knowing that it will end badly. I have no idea if that is in fact what I am doing – but I do know that it is not very wise. Yes, he is very cute and yes, it is nice to “talk” with someone who doesn’t know much about you. Who doesn’t know all the baggage you carry yet, but just thinks you are fun to write with. And yes, I probably should not make THAT big of a deal out of it and overthink everything. But that’s who I am. I never do anything casual – even befriending people in online games.
Is it wise to do this? Should I just stop? Should I worry that I never got an answer to my last message? Am I too needy already? And for fuck’s sake – how do I make this stop? I am already invested enough to write a text about it. How many more red flags can you hit before you start seeing the light? This right here is the exact reason why I do not use dating apps – with people in it that might actually be available in my area – because I am already this stressed out by this make-believe texting. Make-believe because I don’t think I will ever really meet him.
Why am I doing this then? The answer is simple: Because I am lonely. It feels good to “meet” someone for the first time. It feels good to be silly and somewhat flirty (I am terrible at flirting) and even a little inappropriate. Because I like that I can still feel more than fear, sadness and pain. And well in the end everybody you meet is either a blessing or a lesson and it seems I still have to learn mine, consequences be damned.