The hardest part is to accept the fact that you are not the one they wanted. At least not the you that you are but some other version. Someone lighter, darker, stronger, weaker – just a different version of the person that you are right now.
It’s hard to find yourself if everyone around you seems to want a different version of you and the only thing they all seem to agree on is that you should change. Stop being so moody, stop being so defensive, stop being so lazy, stop being so negative – just stop all the little parts they feel you need to change and start being happy. As if it was this easy.
I tried being someone I am not for the better part of my life actually. I tried to pretend that I could understand what everyone was talking about when they talked of all the things I can’t comprehend. Why is it important to own something? Why is it better to be with someone that annoys the shit out of you than being alone? Why is that everyone seems okay with spending tons of money on crap that they do not really need – nor want if they are honest? But asking those question raises frowns so I stopped asking them.
The truth though is I am not what they want. And I will never be. That is no one’s fault really it just is what it is. I can’t be the success they feel I should be, I can’t change the fact that I fail to attract what they feel could be a potential partner, I can’t work up the nerve to pretend everything is peachy when it really isn’t, and the truth is: I really don’t want to. There is no point in living someone else’s life. I have seen what pretending does to people and I rather not be like that.
Life is a hard journey with a lot of harsh lessons on the way – and the hardest one is realizing that you are different. And will always be. Different doesn’t mean better by the way – it just means different. There is no way to change the way you feel about the world, no way to change the core of who you are. You can either let it break you or figure out how to silence all the voices telling you what you should do and instead focus on what it is that you want. Focus on trying to figure out who you are instead of listening to what everyone thinks you should be.
This life is too short to pretend.