A hermits confession

loneliness, Henry ThoreauThe beauty of being alone is that there is never any doubt. It might get lonely, sometimes too lonely to bear – but loneliness is a comforting partner. It always holds your hand, always walks by your side and always welcomes you right back into its cold embrace. Loneliness can be a shadow looming over you but also the icy light keeping you awake and focused. Because if you are alone there is a comfort in having nothing left to lose except yourself.

It’s not like choosing to be alone it’s just something that happens when you stop putting your heart out there. Something that becomes part of your life until it gets more and more difficult to let someone in. Especially when you have a history of being the one that’s heart gets smashed to pieces’ time and time again. I guess some might call it cowardice but there is strength in solitude. If it is you against the world at least there is no danger losing anyone but your own sorry ass.

Being Alone makes everything a little harder. The voices in your head are a little louder while your life tends to be a bit more silent. It takes effort to ask for help, so much that you only use it for emergencies. But being alone also means that you get to do whatever you want with your life. No one is telling you what to do, no one is criticizing you (if you don’t count yourself) – in short: There is a lot of freedom in being alone. A freedom you are not sure you ever really want to give up.

So are you alone because no one wants you or because it is you not wanting anyone? Are you overlooking all suitable candidates in favor for those you (kind of) know you will never be able to have? Maybe it’s all those fairy tales in your head that keep you from seeing reality: You are alone because you chose to. And if you are honest, you don’t really want to change that. All of your future plans only involve yourself. There is no white picket fence and no happily ever after because that’s not what you want. Or maybe, it’s because you want it way too much.

I am not sure if I have always been too afraid or too brave. If I made a choice or if it was made for me. But I do believe in change. Change is a necessity in everyone’s life, whether they want to admit it or not. Change can be a choice or something that happens to you. You might never know when it occurs but you will always know it’s influence afterwards.

The truth is, you can’t make anyone like you back. You can just put your heart on the line and hope for the best. So maybe it really is not my choice after all. Maybe it’s already been decided for me. And maybe I am making something up right now, something that really is nothing after all. But it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like change is coming and I am not sure which direction it will take. I only hope I will still have you when I surface.

Please know that.

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