Shyness is a very effective way of blocking even your best ideas. In some cases it’s not only hindering, but paralyzing – painful even. It keeps you from being the person you want to be. Or at least that’s how she likes to see the world.
If she weren’t so damn shy than…she could do so much more. She could actually approach people. She could be outgoing and friendly. People wouldn’t think of her as awkward, arrogant and slightly retarded. She wouldn’t be too quiet for others to take notice. She would make herself heard. And there would be no impending panic attacks every time she enters a room full of people.
She could be the one he notices. The one he likes to talk to. The one he falls for. Instead she is that slightly chubby woman always laughing too loudly, always dropping things when he’s around and never managing to say anything but a low whispered “hi”. Instead she is that one whos existence he hasn’t even really noticed so far.
She is aware of the fact that she is probably a huge part of the problem. Because she decided certain things about herself a long time ago and those views haven’t changed in the past few years. Maybe they are true. Maybe they aren’t. She doesn’t really like to think about it too closely. Sometimes there are people breaching through the iron walls she surrounded herself with. Sometimes, people surprise her.
It is not like she hasn’t had relationships before. Despite the crippling shyness or the fact that she has a huge list of things she thinks she should change about herself. Because whoever said, “First you need to love yourself if you want others to love you”, was lying. You just need people who see your awkwardness as part of what makes you unique and not as something that needs to be changed at all cost.
That’s a nice thought isn’t it? But it doesn’t help her, when HE enters a room and she freezes. Not when HE keeps ignoring her but still is right in front of her all the time. Like holding a carrot in front of a donkey without having any intention of ever feeding it to the poor animal. It’s not fair she thinks…if she could just be a little less herself, it would all be so much easier. Life could be just fine.