The soliloquies of a hopeless heart

John O'Callaghan, What If, What if. The question that will kill you. Torment you. Refuse to let you sleep. Once you asked “what if” you will always wonder “what if” and every worst or best case will get stuck in your head.
What if I missed it? What if I ruined it? What if it was never real at all? It’s not good to think about stuff like that. It will literally eat your brain. Well, mine at least. But all I keep thinking is “what if” and every one of them is worse than the one before. In my head I already ruined everything while in reality I didn’t even start. It feels kind of pointless to actually do something now. Except I want to. I want to so badly.

What if it doesn’t matter if it’s real? Because what is reality really? It’s just how we see the world. How we feel it. So if something feels real – what does it really matter? So what if it’s ruined already? In the end no fairy tale really comes to pass the way we imagined it. No dream comes true without some heartbreak along the way. When you wanted something for so long, is it not worth trying regardless?

What if I end up broken on the ground again? Does it really matter? Right now everything feels wrong and it’s getting worse each day. I have not much so there is not much to lose. I need…something. Something different. Something away. Something I never dared to try. What if I’ll never get it? Yeah but what if I do? There is no guarantee, there is no safety net. But is there ever?

What if I only fail because I’m still trying to be someone I am not? Because being against everything starts to feel hollow once you realize that you are just doing what everyone else does: Pretend. And I fear the pretense will slowly suffocate me if I don’t change.

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