There once was a boy. A boy that had everything. A boy that stole your heart with only one of his barley-there-smiles and never gave it back. The kind of boy every other boy wanted to be friends with and every girl secretly wanted to kiss – even if it was just once. The kind of boy everyone just KNEW was meant for great things. But sadly, they were all wrong.
There are so many things we lack nowadays. Most of all, we lack a heart. We lost our ability to empathise and with it went all our decency. Everybody fights for themselves and if most of them perish, we’re quite fine with it. Better them then us. That boy, the one who had it all, also had too much of what we all lack. A heart too big and it felt too much and in the end it became so sad, it just couldn’t bear it.
„For what it’s worth it was worth all the while.“ (Green Day)
Before you read this story, you have to know: There is no happy ending. It’s a very sad story and yes, parts of it really happened. And yes, someone died. It’s the kind of tragedy that you can never let go. The kind of person you never truly forget. That’s also the reason behind the picture for this article, because sometimes it really doesn’t matter what’s real and what’s not. Sometimes, love stays with us forever, even if the person we loved is long gone.
There once lived a boy who had it all. A boy that stole your heart with only one of his ghost-smiles and never gave it back again. That boy’s name was Adam and every time he was near you, the world seemed to be a little brighter and life a little less painful than before. And somehow – nobody really got why – he became friends with the little misfit Cathy. The chubby girl who always wore all the wrong clothes, said all the wrong things and never managed to fit in. The exact opposite of everything Adam was. But they became friends. Best friends. And almost a little more.
„There was nothing in the world, that I ever wanted more, than to feel you deep in my heart.“ (The Cure)
People say that when you’re 15 you don’t know anything about love. And maybe that’s true. But the thing is, you never love as freely and as open-minded as you do the first time. Before you know anything about deceit, and heartache, and the games people will play with your heart. You just love. Absolutely and passionately and without any concern for the consequences. Until you get your heart broken. After that you’ll always wish you could be as in love as you were the first time.
When Cathy met Adam she was 13 and he saved her from a bully that made fun of her outfit and her chubbiness. He was the first boy – well actually the first person really – who truly got her. Who saw the real her. Who never wanted her to change – never asked her to lower her voice and stop laughing so loud. He was unlike any other person she had ever met. He was something else entirely and it took her a while before she caught on and saw his tragedy.
„This world is only gonna break your heart.“ (Chris Isaak)
Adam was the boy who had it all – every boy wanted to be his friend and every girl his girlfriend. He made everyone smile and in his presence the world seemed a little brighter. Until you realized it all was just pretense. Until he really let you get close and you realized he was only wearing a mask that had been put on him by the world. Because those barely-there smiles really were the only ones he managed and the hard-to-get-part was because he didn’t really want people to get to close.
Just about everything else about him was fake. A fake laugh, a fake reputation – he once told Cathy that he even felt like he lived a fake life. Somehow he seemed to think that maybe she could save him. Her sadness called to him – because even though she never seemed to fit, she also never gave up. Her sadness was almost as much a pretense as his happiness was. Cathy didn’t understand it at the time. How could someone who truly had it all be so sad? But in reality Adam didn’t have it all. In fact he had nothing.
„Love is not a victory march…it’s a cold & it’s a broken hallelujah.“ (Leonard Cohen)
For a time they both thought she could save him. They wanted to believe that they could somehow complete each other. What started as a friendship became more so much more. It really was that first kind of love. The one you only feel the very first time you fall in mutual love. Only Cathy was too young and Adam was too sad and so one day he was gone and he took the love with him. For a long time Cathy believed that when he jumped, he took every piece of her heart with him. Until one day she realized, what he said had been true: Her love will always be bigger than her sadness.
Cathy is now just past 30 and Adam has been gone for so long, that nobody really seems to remember. But she does. She still misses him. Misses his brilliance. His uniqueness. And the way he made her feel – not just the butterfly-part but also the fact that he truly saw who she was and just accepted it, flaws and all. She still catches herself scanning the crowd for his face. For that barely there smile. And she also knows that some part of her will never manage to forgive him. Or forget him.
The boy with the green eyes and tumbling mess of black hair. The boy that stole your heart and took a part of you with him forever. For always.