Love…just leave me alone

firework, berlin, new year, red mistHow do you cut someone out of your heart? Not completely – only the tiny, dumb, obstinate part that will always want more. Sometimes you can’t get over it or move on. Sometimes you are stuck with a feeling regardless of how unwanted or even ridiculous it might be.

“I was over this.” Andrea angrily sips her coffee and glares at me. I shrug. There is nothing to say. Andrea always had a thing for Mattis – they simply “clicked”. Everyone could see that, right from the beginning. The problem: Mattis was Andrea’s colleague, a fact that made the “clicking” a bit embarrassing for her.

When falling in love becomes a problem

From the second the two met, Andrea had had a crush on him. She called me that first day, saying: “Okay, I might have a huge problem.” I wholeheartedly agreed – falling for a colleague really is not a very easy situation. First it seemed like Mattis was interested, too. And then, one day, he had a girlfriend. So Andrea tried to avoid him. Not a very easy task if you are working together closely.

Then Mattis left the company. So, that should have been it. Well, it was – until that party of a friend where she met him again. Where he asked her why she never kept in touch. She pointed out that he could’ve also contacted her if he wanted to. To that he just smiled. That night Andrea went home, her head spinning. I mean he obviously liked her, right?

Do you like me or are you playing me?

A few days later she broke her vow and texted him again. Asked him if he wanted to go see that movie they talked about at the cinema. He did. They went. And he asked her to meet for a drink again next week. Except now he’s “not sure if he got time for that”. That’s why we are sitting here in a café and why she’s so mad.

“I mean come on – why didn’t he just leave me alone? I was fine. I was fucking over it!” I sigh and ask: “He still has a girlfriend, hasn’t he?” She shrugs. And that just sums it up. Mattis might be interested in Andrea, but I think that he isn’t even consciously aware of it. Or maybe he is – which would make him a huge asshole.

So am I going to tell him?

“So you know there is only one way to end this.” She glares some more but I continue nevertheless. “You have to tell him. That’s the only way you’ll know for sure.” Her shoulders slouch. “Well right now he isn’t even returning my texts so I guess that’s that.” But we both know it’s not. Even if she and Mattis never talk again he will always be in her heart. And the tiny little question nagging “What if” will probably remain for a long time.

Life just sucks like that sometimes.

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