It hurts. Nothing even feels remotely right. The only thing that remains are the questions you can’t answer. Why did you do it? What did I miss? How could I’ve prevented it? Could I’ve changed it?
And the one question of course that always crawls out of the dark: Why did I not see it coming?
The answer is as simple as it is cruel: Because there was nothing to be done. But knowing that doesn’t mean that you’ll ever be able to accept it. The only thing that will fade with time is the hurt and if you’re strong, the self-reproaches. The pain will dim down with time but never truly leave you.
They say the ones that go are always the ones that truly wanted to leave. There are no warnings, no cries for help and very, very few signs. In fact most signs are so subtle that only a trained psychologist would have been able to spot them. Which you are not and neither was I.
So there is nothing really you can do now – only heal. You will never truly get over it and never really forget. Don’t let it cripple you like I did. Don’t fear like I do now. Just accept that from now on there will always be someone missing, a part of your heart lost. It’s just the way things are.
I wish I really, really wish I could help you – talk to you. Tell you how sorry I am and that I do indeed understand how you feel. But I can’t. I fucked up the first time I get it. My social skills still suck especially when you trigger a bad memory.
Just don’t forget to move on and don’t waste time on hate. It won’t change anything. The dead don’t care if you hate them or love them. But for the living love is so much easier than regret. It will never stop hurting and you will never forget. But a loving memory keeps your heart warm and eases the pain.
Believe me I had to learn that the heart way. Love keeps her with me – always. Still there hasn’t been a day in the past 15 years where I didn’t miss her.
“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”