Missed (IV)

*You think it’s going to change?*

I stare at the screen, thinking about an answer. Telling her the truth? No, I guess that’s not an option. Answering with a fraction of the truth? I don’t see how I have any other chance.

*Probably.*

Great answer that should really distract her!
Shut up conscience! No one wants your opinion anyway.
That’s part of why you are in this mess right now!
I’m not going to comment on that! Oh holy crap I guess I really am nuts. Now I’m not only talking to myself but I’m also arguing with my inner sanity. Or in other words: I am crazy.
*Can I help you?*
I sigh. She truly is sweet but she just doesn’t get it. No one does.
Because it’s not something a sane person would do.
Well, we already covered that! Keep up, damn you.

*No, it just takes time.*

And a miracle and space lots of space that right now I can’t get between me and him.
Oh come on, like you really want that. Like you didn’t stop suffering the moment he walked back in. Like you don’t wish he comes over and talks to you.
I said: SHUT THE FU…
“Hey.”
Holy…I think I just jumped out of my skin. All I manage is a weak smile.
“Hey.”
Great comeback, really witty.
Go to hell conscience!
You do realize…
Blue eyes sparkle and I think I just forgot my name. Again
Damn, you aren’t supposed to make me nervous anymore. I convinced myself that you don’t.
Yeah, sure you did.
“Do you want something?”
Oh great, now he’s flashing me that smile again.
“What’s the lunch plan for today?”
I shrug, look to her across the table. “Lunch plans?”
“Uhm…I’ve got leftovers from yesterday. But the others are going to the supermarket to grab something I guess.”
He bows his head towards me.
“So?”
Air! NEED air!
Okay, I’m putting the fake cover-up smile on now. Yeah, smile back in place. Mask on.
“So I guess we’ll be going to the supermarket. Are you coming with us?”
He smiles again.
“Yeah, just stop at my desk when you go and pick me up.”
He eyes the chocolate box.
I sigh. “Take one if you want.”
A smile. “Thanks.”
Though I expected it this time I am still in no way immune to the effect of that smile.
Finally! Progress!
Shut up conscience, again. I do know that I am an utter and complete fool. Just like I know that he’s somehow trying to befriend me – but he’s doing that with everyone. I just responded before and now he kind of likes me. Not like I like him. I know that now.
The problem with that knowledge is: It doesn’t really change the way I feel about him. Not one bit.
He kind of likes me – in his own twisted way. I got a huge crush on him that I can’t seem to get under control.
Worse, I can’t even get myself to ignore him. Every time he flashes that smile at me I just want to talk to him. Hear him talk to me. See that smile again. Right now, it really is hopeless.
And I fear that it’s going to stay that way at least for a while longer.
But what do you hope to gain from hanging on to those stupid feelings – except getting hurt again?
Nothing. That’s just the thing. I don’t expect anything. I know that he’s got a girlfriend and that he isn’t interested. I won’t try anything. I’ll just enjoy seeing him from now on, because it’s all so much worse when he isn’t there. I can’t switch my feelings off – I tried that remember? And we both know that I failed badly.
You are a fool.
I know that. But I can’t change it. Not now that is.

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