Missed

I convinced myself that I was over this. Now look at me. Sitting in front of my computer, wearing headphones and pretending to listen to music. When in fact I’m waiting. Just waiting to hear your voice.
„Good morning.“
And there he is.
I sigh inwardly and then hit myself mentally.
I do NOT – I repeat NOT – care that he is back. I do NOT wish for him to come over like he did before.
And he doesn’t.
Oh well, fine by me. I’m ignoring you anyway.
Then she comes in and about five seconds later he stands beside the counter.
Laughing. Looking gorgeous.
Fuck you.
„Shall we grap a coffee then?“
She nods, gets up, looks at me quizzical. I take the headphones off.
„What?“
„You wanna grap a coffee?“
I shake my head. „No thanks I already had two.“
And off they go.
So he doesn’t care but I knew that before.
He came to her party but skipped mine without even bothering to make up an excuse. He didn’t „feel like it“. He also „lost“ my number but saved hers.
I’m just the fat girl he enjoyed teasing but doesn’t care about.
And now he’s got himself a girlfriend. A skinny one. A sporty one. A nice one.
Someone with less drama.
Someone who is just exactly the opposite of me.
And I’m sure she makes him very happy.
Like I care anyway.
She comes back and smiles at me. I smile back.
It’s not her fault, it’s mine. I’m the lunatic. She’s everyone’s darling. So of course he likes her. Everyone does. I myself just adore her.
And anyway: He’s got a girlfriend now. No need to be jealous of anyone. Or wondering about anyone.
He is not and never was interested in you at all.
Now, back to emergency plan: Ignoring him. Pretending that you don’t care.
Full blast of music now, mask in place, act on. I’m gonna survive this day and all the rest to come.

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