Getting rid of you

(c) D.ReichertI managed to do it. I moved the damn wardrobe, fixed the light, recreated the living room, cut my hair and had an amazing party. I even managed to get everyone to come and celebrate with me. For the first time in twelve years my best friends have all been reunited.

So I should be happy. I should be proud. But all I remember about that party is that you were the last person to let me down and didn’t even bother to come up with an excuse for it. Not that it really mattered that much. It was just the final straw before everything else fell apart.

And now you are not coming back and all I can think about is that I want to talk to you one last time. Want to look into your eyes and see if there really isn’t anything there. Want to see if it actually won’t affect me as much as I thought two weeks before.

Or maybe I did imagine everything after all. Because, let’s face it I do possess a very vivid imagination. Some might even say that the fact I’m constantly making up stories is more than just an edge of craziness. But that is beside the point.

All I have been doing for the past weeks is trying to hammer every thought about you out of my mind. And convincing myself to just leave it be. And I did stop dreaming about you. I did stop mentioning your name. I did stop talking to you.

And I almost succeeded in convincing me that everything that happened in the past weeks really is just an aftermath of the disappointment. Almost. Because the truth is all the heartbreak isn’t really about you. And that’s actually even worse.

I know you won’t care about me in the future. You never did before and that’s probably for the best. But that’s not why I can’t snap out of the sadness. The real reason behind it all is the one thing I’ve been trying to avoid for a long time now.

It’s so much more pathetic to be in love with someone who wasn’t right then, isn’t right now and will never be right in the future. Probably. And that’s the real pain. I am still in love with the one person I can never have.

I thought I got past it. I convinced myself that I was over it. But you see you were right when you laughed at me. And that’s the funny thing about it: You were the one who delivered the final blow, the one who made me admit it.

So now I’ll just keep on feeling a little sorry for myself but trying to rid you out of my mind and heart at the same time. I hope that maybe he will disappear along with you.

Except that you are back now…but I guess that’s a different story for another time.

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