Turning off

I can’t get past it. Can’t snap out of it. There is too much and too less at the same time. The only way to deal with it is to disappear. I just don’t really know where to.

Sometimes pain has more than one cause. Multiple ones indeed summing up until you reach the point of no return. Sometimes it grows until you can’t remember anything past it. It just grows and gets more each day until it becomes too big to conceal. I just can’t pretend that I am okay anymore. Because I am not, haven’t been in a while now.

You ask me what’s wrong with me and all I can give you is the truth: Nothing. There is nothing wrong with me. I am drowning in a sea of desperation – mixed with a fair share of self-pity and anger I guess – and there is simply nothing I can do about it.

Well, okay that’s not true. I could probably. A few more lies whispered to my conscience. A few more disguises to make the lies work a little longer. A new mask to conceal the sadness and pretend everything is all right.

It worked in the past. And it will stop making anyone uncomfortable. It would be the polite thing to do – I mean who wants to annoy others? So yeah, it could all be so easy. Except for me it isn’t. Like I said I just can’t snap out of it. So why bother. Soon they will stop noticing anyway.

The only way to shove out all the pain is to turn everything else off. Choke on all feelings possible most of all the pointless ones that never got returned anyway. Stop caring for people who only try to mask their indifference with politeness. Stop pretending to be someone you are not. Stop acting like it will all be great and good one day. And most of all: Stop hoping for a miracle.

And here is where the real problem starts: I can’t. Can’t really shut down, stop caring or stop hoping. I am just not built that way. And maybe that’s what’s going to safe me in the end. That is, if I ever manage to get past the pain.

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