30 first

(c) D.ReichertIt’s not because of this number. I don’t care about it but I’ll gladly use it as an excuse. It’s not the day that makes me sad but the fact that you are not around for it. You would’ve been the older one and I would’ve teased you about it. But all I can do today is trying to make it through this day without falling apart.

So this is it, the one thing no one truly gets. The reason behind all the half-hearted complains. I just can’t stand it. I can’t risk letting anyone ever getting this close again. Because I barely survived it once and it took everything I had to do so. This is the truth behind all the unfinished stories: They are all about you. And when it comes to you I just can’t lie.

It’s safe to fall in love with a ghost. Or an idea. Or even a dream. Because nothing will ever happen with it – the impossible will always be safe. You were the only impossibility I’ve let into my life. And you took my heart with you when you left. I will stop hurting one day. I guess, eventually someday. Till then I fall for all the wrong ones and watch them take off into their own private happy ending without me.

I could’ve been perfect for him – in another life maybe. In a life where I wasn’t broken and still had the courage left to stop lying. When it comes to you I haven’t been telling the truth in a very long time. It’s why all friendships and relationships eventually fall apart. Or why I make up stories I can’t finish. Or why I create conversations talking to myself like a true lunatic. But here is one truth that never changes: I miss you. Damn it, I miss you so fucking much it even hurts to think of your name.

So here we go: Happy birthday princess.
You got 30 first!

Ein Gedanke zu “30 first

  1. Hello,
    you can’t even imagine how much truth are in your words. Especially when you mention that ‚falling in love with a ghost. Or an idea.Or even a dream.‘ I have been doing that mistake, if it was a mistake, for such a long time. I have been in love with a woman, I still am, with whom I never had more than a dream. I lied to her so many times, I hurt her, but we could hardly stop dreaming about a better life.
    If I have learned one thing during that time, it is that one lie can destroy a whole relationship built of trust.
    Even though I dont know you, I wish you all the best for your 30 first birthday, some days late 🙂

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