It all started with a really weird dream. About a tent, standing at the end of the world while it rained outside. Two people holding hands, staring each other in the eyes until one soul became one. I don’t remember who the other one was. Just that one of those hands belonged to me.
There are people saying love at first sight doesn’t exist. I agree. You do not fall in love based on a look or a smile. BUT it is more than possible to just know. Know that there is going to be more, if you just let it be. You always have the chance to say no or just walk away. To never acknowledge that you ever even were aware, but it doesn’t matter. Some people alter your life even if they just had one second in it. Just one of those tiny little smiles really.
All the people in my life that stayed never had to “grow on me”. It was just, one day we met and I knew he or she would be a keeper. And all of them were. Which is probably why I only have such few friends, I can’t really stand superficial friendships, at least not for long. It is for the same reason that I could never casually have a relationship. Either we get serious or you can walk out that door and keep walking (not that there is anyone listening right now – I’m just, you know, trying to exemplify).
So why am I writing all that stuff about “first sight knowledge”? Because I kept searching for the other hand holding mine in that dream I mentioned in the beginning. I always thought that I’d just know. But I didn’t. With every guy I just knew: “Okay there is going to me more.” Sometimes this happened in the most inconvenient situations – like walking in a classroom on the first day of school or shaking the hand of a new colleague at work.
And again – knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean there is going to be anything happening. Or at least, it doesn’t mean that your wish will come true, just because you know you’ll never forget this person. Or maybe, I’m just a really cheesy romantic fool.
The point in this text you ask again? Well, to be honest, I don’t know. Because, truth to be told – I really don’t know what to write anymore. It’s just that I have to write something. But it has become pretty much impossible to get anything done – about anything – without you somehow planting your way into it. See, I couldn’t even finish this text without making it all about you again.
It doesn’t change the fact that I believe in what I wrote before. I always did know and I’ve always been right and that is why it scares me so much. Because in my heart I know the dream I mentioned has never been anything but an excuse to simply give up. But then you waltzed in, shook my hand and all I kept thinking was: “Oh god I’m so fucked.” And since that day I’m trying to come up with a plan to act on it.