Goodbye last year

(c) D. ReichertSo here we go, 2012 is over – 2013 is here. As usual I didn’t make any New Year’s resolution. Okay, expect for one but that one does not really count. I should try to be “more positive” I was told recently as an advice for a New Year resolution. Well, I disagree.

My problem is not the lack of positive thinking, but the fact that I stopped believing in fairy tales. I am not sure when this happened. It just did somehow along the journey through last year. You see, at the beginning of 2012 I was really caught up in a fairy tale. I chased an idea and somehow thought that if I just wished hard enough, I could make it happen. But that is not how the game is played.

A fairy tale always stays just that, because it is not possible to create feelings out of nothing. It’s not enough to feel too much if those emotions aren’t mutual. It doesn’t matter how much you care if the other one doesn’t care about you. I just had to learn that the hard way as always.

Still, I learned a few helpful things along the way: For instance, that you do not die of embarrassment. And that it is not always a good idea to dig out a dream you once buried. There is a reason why you did so in the first place. And that some ghosts really need to be dragged into daylight to finally lose the grip on your soul. So I watched them fade and I guess part of me faded along with them.

Another thing I came to know: I never really grew up. Actually, that is not really true. I think some of my personalities have grown up, but others stayed just the same. The problem is, I discovered and re-discovered so many versions of me that I am not sure now, which one is the real me. Maybe there is no real me and I am just a fragment of all those different personalities. I honestly do not now, but that is okay I guess – most of the time.

Still it is safe to say that today I am a whole lot different from the person I was one year ago – at least partly. And still some things haven not changed one bit. So no, I do not need to be more positive. What I really need to be is a little less shy with a little more self-confidence. And a little less drama and a lot more love. I really need the last part!

All positive thinking in the world will not help one bit if you cannot act on it. It is not enough to dream or wish for something and then do nothing about it. Nothing will always stay exactly that – nothing – if you do not change something. I just need to find the courage to do that again, even if eventually it is all going to be in vain. At this point I really have to have an answer.

So my New Year’s solution: Start with a smile and see what happens. Stop whining and get back up. I am not sure if I can really manage to do it, but I will try. Expecting the worst might just make room for a surprise. And if it doesn’t at least I will be able to say: I told you so. 😉

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