I wish that there’d be a switch to just change and stop all this nonsense. But it cannot be helped, no matter how embarrassing, ridiculous and well plain stupid it might be. And the worst part is that the spark became a thought and then turned into words. Now those words are part of this text. It simply cannot get any more real.
Life truly is a bitch and she isn’t fucking for free. Never makes it easy on any level. Never lets us forget our darkest fears and always makes us face them again. After all that mess, all that fucked up stuff – and that stupid idea which just got way out of hand. After all the drama, all the tears and all those nights spend awake, it should finally be enough don’t you think? But no, the next Armageddon had just been waiting right around the corner.
It’s like a fucking car accident – you really want to ignore it, but you cannot keep starring. So obvious, so embarrassing and really not acceptable! But I’m just not able to stop. So now what – a love blown into my face, an old grudge on my back and now an idiotic idea right on top of it. And all I really wanted was to be finally left alone. But no, now I have to deal with all that nervous out of control idiotic behavior and all those looks torn in the wrong direction. It’s only a matter of time until I’m going to make a total fool out of myself. Again.
Yeah, yeah I know: See chances and not barriers, be positive, be open to possibilities – well fuck it, right now I’m glad that I still remember my name! I started fighting chairs, walls and basically everything around me and I seem to have forgotten that it’s not a very good idea to always say things that just popped into one’s mind seconds ago. Especially if those thoughts contain inappropriate stuff, which they seem to do more or less constantly nowadays. And yes, I know what it’s called but I can’t admit that.
So well, I’m confused, helpless and yeah, I do pity myself just a little too much. But that’s just the problem: It’s all too much and I’m not prepared. And on top of everything: Way out of my league. So I’m stuck with insomnia, lack of appetite and irrational behaviour and my solution? I’ve got none. I can’t pursue it, so I’m just going to ignore it. After all, there is always a first time for everything and maybe this time, the ignoring plan is going to work!
Or maybe, you are not taken and got it just as bad as I do. Right. And tomorrow I’ll see a pig flying by my window.