Hard to care

(c) D. ReichertSometimes it is harder to forget all the things you did NOT do, than the ones you did. All the words you didn’t dare to say and all the small matters you didn’t think worth addressing. And now it’s far too late, because it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

It is true you always regret the things you didn’t do or say far more than all the mistakes you actually made. I sometimes wonder if the person I am now would have had the courage and the strength to do all those things I didn’t dare to do before. But maybe, the only reason I am this person now is because of all the little regrets of the past. Confused? Well welcome to my world.

Yes, I am aware of the fact that you cannot change what’s in the past. Not the things you did do and certainly not those you did not do. And actually, the sane part of me doesn’t even want to. It knows, all that happened the way it did, was for the best – well, okay, most of it. But still, there are so many things I wish I could tell you. Now, after it all finally began to heal.

Like the fact that you were wrong about me. I didn’t hide my true personality, you just never truly saw me. And no, I am not crazy – I am downright insane, but unlike you I do not try to pretend otherwise. And yes, I could’ve never been the person you wanted me to be. You just made her up and almost destroyed me in the process. Which is not all your fault, I do know that now, too.

I really wish I could tell you all that. To free me but also to free the part of you that’s still trapped in a guilty conscience. But I can’t. Not only would it not be appropriate behavior – which frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about – but also, because you wouldn’t understand. Afterwards you are supposed to stop caring too much and get on with your life. I did do that. I’m not really sure about you though.

What kills me most is that you would not even let me ask. And so, after all this time, all the picking up and putting together the broken pieces of me again, after surfacing again – you break my heart again. Because you didn’t change despite all the changes you made. You still can’t escape the darkness eating you away. So my heart weeps for you again my friend – not because I’m still hung up on you or the silly idea of being in love. But because my friend, I care.

And sometimes that is a lot harder than being in love.

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